you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
