it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
