In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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