the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
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