I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
