Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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