Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
