Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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