I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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