what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
