the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
