did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
