Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
