I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
