If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
And then he peed in my hair
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