I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize