my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
