Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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