if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
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