handjob tips. give me some.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize