I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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