having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
