i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
