There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
