I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
whose parrot is this?
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
