I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
