Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Welp...herpes.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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