I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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