If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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