I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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