wrigley field is MILF paradise
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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