Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
