I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
