Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
