Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I just forgot I was standing up.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize