You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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