How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
