I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
