Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
