I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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