1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
