i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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