I wish my penis had an off switch
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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