If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
