Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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