My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
