I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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