I need to stop coming to work sober
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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