totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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