So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
