i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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