dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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