new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
