rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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