And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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