My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
