I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
