I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
