dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
