Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize