Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
