The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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