I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
