I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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